My Personal Journey

A couple of years ago I hit bottom.  I was dealing with untreated depression and undiagnosed ADHD.  I got to the point of not being able to function in my daily life and considered that maybe the world and my family would be better off without me in it.  It was a dark time.  Anger and frustration had a tight hold on me.  There was nothing tragic going on in my life, but I couldn’t see anything good about it.  In that darkness I cried out to God.  I didn’t even know what to pray except, “Help!”  My husband was deeply concerned about my state and encouraged me to get help.  

Reaching out for help started the process of healing as I was diagnosed and treated with medication.  Once my chemical imbalance was addressed, I started to realize how that had played into my inconsistent Christian life.  I loved God, but was overwhelmed with my inability to do life like I saw the Christians around me living.  Everything was always a struggle.  The voices of the past echoed my lack of worth and I was stuck in self-hatred, critical attitudes and insecurity.  I knew I needed help addressing the lies I had believed for most of my life.  I realized that I had been coping with those things in self destructive ways such as emotional eating, passivity, anger.  I was gripped by shame and guilt. Even though this time was dark, it was the first time that I had invited God to walk through it with me instead of pushing Him away.   I sensed that God was leading me to participate in Redeemed Lives, a healing ministry offered through our church.  I had no idea what it was except that people who deal with serious issues like addictions got help.  I didn’t have anything going on like that, but I knew that dealing with undiagnosed ADD all of my life to that point had shaped my identity and poor self-esteem. I had a strong desire to put myself in a place where God's word would be central to my healing process. 

God used Redeemed Lives in a significant way to free me from the bondage of self-hatred.  The Biblical principles changed my way of thinking.  I was able to trust that God’s love for me was not based on my performance, but was unconditional and strong.  Nothing I had done in the past could change that.  I was able to start believing the truth of who I am in Christ.   My head knowledge about God turned into experiential knowledge that powerfully affected my life.  Through the weekly lectures and Spirit-guided prayer for me, I experienced amazing growth and transformation.  My relationship with God has deepened and my prayer life has become rich.  One of the leaders describes Redeemed Lives as “intentional discipleship”. 

Now I am able to recognize that God created me just as I am, ADD and all.  Living out of my identity in Christ...my true self... has brought great freedom and also helps me understand my 4 children who also deal with their ADHD.  I hope I can help them recognize the challenges they deal with are not personal defects, but simply things to understand and adjust to; and that they are completely loved and accepted by God.  

A verse that has come to mean a lot to me is Zep. 3:17, "The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will take great delight in you, in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."